Tuesday, February 15, 2011

the colossal superbowl catastrophe of 2011

The truth is that the halftime show is included in the Superbowl only to give wives, girlfriends, and other viewers that, for whatever reason, feel forced to watch football a brief intermission from pretending to be interested in the game. It also gives fans a chance to list all the mistakes the teams are making (why do they hire coaches when the fans are so much more knowledgeable?)
That does not mean that the halftime show shouldn't be awesome, though, because the Superbowl is a fairly big deal to many Americans and the exposure is huge; the talent of the performers should be at least equivalent to that of the players.

ie: NOT the Black Eyed Peas.

Synthesizing microphones, flashing electronic light-up costumes, bedazzled microphones, and hundreds of glowing back up dancers were still not enough to distract from the total lack of virtuosity among the headliners.

The four group members just congregated in the middle of the stage moving in sporadic, unsynchronized flailing gyrations and wailing like tortured animals, relying on their autotuners to correct their many vocal mistakes and their shiny LED ensembles to trick audiences into misinterpreting their chaotic motions as choreographed dance.

Slash's solo was cool for about three seconds until Fergie invaded his personal space screeching out Sweet Child Of Mine in a nasal whine that would send Fran Drescher running, and giving a disturbing visual demonstration of what an overpaid 40 year old Jezebel with the stage presence of Terry Schiavo looks like.
If Fergie ever had a "prime," she is way past it.

Usher's appearance was a relative highlight (albeit a short one; less than 2 minutes out of the 13 minute ordeal), though his support of that one preteen girl with Gender Identity Disorder does cost him points in the 'respect' category.

Conversely, consider Michael Jackson's 1993 haltime show. One man, a few fireworks, and a handful of backup dancers no one was watching anyway. Dancing like his body was made of music itself, while singing so melodically his own recording was put to shame. The man conjured more excitement standing in silence letting his moment build than the Black Eyed Sleaze managed to elicit in an entire overly-elaborate show.

Other than that, Greenbay won.

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