Monday, August 30, 2010

things I've learned from working at a pool

Public swimming pools are a cesspool for interesting material. People's true colors come out, and lifeguarding is a great job in the sense that I am getting paid to people watch. Here is a somewhat comprehensive list of things I have learned and observed.

Parents hate their children. They bring their offspring to the swimming pool with the intent and hope that they will drown. I know this because no parent who actually even cared about their child would leave them unattended while they fall beneath the surface, hang on bars, run on deck, and venture off into the blue depths lacking any knowledge of how to even stay above water. It is sobering when I have more concern for a child than the ones who possess the loins from whence they came.

I have also learned that I will never, ever in my life get a tattoo. I don't care how good it looks on a taught young body, tattoos almost never age gracefully. Middle aged pool-goers who have let themselves go (probably a result of their demon kids) with limbs and torsos splashed with tawdry images of skulls and flowers and other meaningless "artworks" that have become morphed and deformed with the unavoidable effects of aging skin provide for an unsightly picture. Some people (a minute group) can pull off the inked look for generations to come; I, however, am not one of them, and have chosen to learn from the mistakes of others.

Which brings me to the bathing suit issue. If you weigh 250 at 5'5 and you feel comfortable in a bikini, power to you. The problem is the others around you are not comfortable with this life decision. And by others I mean myself, because on an elevated stand I see for more than I'm generally ok with. To quote a man with a firm grasp on many concepts, P.G. Wodehouse, "(they) look as if they had been poured into (their suits) and forgot to say when." Its appalling. Where is the shame? The decency?

There's more, but I would now rather write about things I hate about UNLV.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Post Script

It is depressing and frightening that the English language has deteriorated so much that when the correct form of a phrase or sentence is used people think it is wrong or sounds strange. The tag on my Victorias Secret pajama pants reads (the average person would expect to see the word 'says' there instead, which is wrong. Exhibit A.) "I only sleep in...PINK." When correctly interpreted that sentence means that when I wear PINK, the only thing I do is sleep. Are you seeing the problem here? A big fat multimillion dollar company can't even work out how to properly configure a sentence. I venture to guess that what Victoria meant to say here is that "I refuse to sleep in any other brand besides PINK." That is not what "I only sleep in PINK" means, at all. Maybe Victoria's secret is that she failed english class.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I hate thinking of titles

Chelsea Clinton. Is so ugly.
Chelsea Clinton is so ugly, and was created from one of most disusting gene pools in the US.
Even with a personal stylist, named Donatella goddamn Versace, Chelsea Clinton is still ugly. She is hideous and repulsive. Which is synonymous with Clinton anyway.

I hate when people misuse the word "mortified." Allow me to provide the definition of this overly elusive word. mortify =df to humiliate, or to subdue the body with pain.
it does not mean scared, frightened, threatened, stunned, or shocked. Get a fucking dictionary and stop using words of which you don't know the meaning.

To the starbucks at UNLV, all of my broken droids, and keva juice: you. suck.

Jersey Shore is the reason I hate people. It is the living embodiment of everything I stand against. 6 or 8 or however many useless specimens that star on that godforsaken show are getting paid tens of thousands of dollars for doing NOTHING. Not one of them is making any kind of actual contribution to society, except perhaps providing an example of how to be the most mentally vacant waste of space. Viewers everywhere eat this shit up, tuning in to every new episode and excitedly awaiting every piece of detrimental drama. If everyone on that show died, and everyone who watched that show died, I would be giddy with satisfaction. They provide nothing worthwhile to anyone, anywhere, ever. And they will never accomplish anything. They're just making more money than all of you just for being repugnant. And way too tan.

There should be 4 channels on tv: national geographic, the discovery channel, whatever channel shark week is on, and a channel with a marquee on loop that reads "go read a goddamn book."